Day 960: It’s Cracker-Lackin’ Good

When you’ve been out of the country long enough, you start to get used to eating “American” style food that doesn’t taste anything like food you’ve eaten in American.

Like lasagna made with Kraft singles…

Or a ‘Mexican’ burrito smothered in an Indian curry sauce…

Or ‘salmon’ purposely smothered in boulineaus sauce to cover up the fact you’re actually eating white fish…

Yes… dining at the American Club is always an adventure… in ‘not quite right’ and ‘a lesson in acceptance’ kind of way.  Except for the Kraft Single lasagna, that’s just strange.

However, even though I am learning to accept and enjoy, as the time passes it becomes increasingly more difficult to fight off my ‘normal’ American cravings, like Taco Bell and Five Guys Burger & Fries… and of course El Toro. 

But imagine my surprise, after three years abroad; a new restaurant has appeared on my craving radar, completely out of nowhere: Cracker Barrel.

Oh man!  My Southern boy roots are starting to jump into over drive!  I need me some fried okra, chicken and dumplings, pork chops (OH GOOD GOLLY THE PORK CHOPS!)… oh, and I almost forgot!  Cracker Barrel serves breakfast all day!  Mmmm… hash brown casserole, grits, biscuit and gravy… OH!  And egg’s served MY way: Over easy and runny. (Which is a no-no over here for medical reasons).

Oh, why do I torture myself? 

BUT, I’m certainly not the only one over here craving Cracker Barrel.  I mentioned it to a buddy of mine over here and he said, “Oh man, if they had a Cracker Barrel over here, I’d probably extend for another year!”

And you know?  I don’t think Cracker Barrel could ask for a better compliment!

Day 959: Not for the Faint of Heart

Yeah… so… a lot of people have been asking me.  “Yo, JP… what’s it like living in Pakistan.”

Well… besides being busy, lonely, and a bit frustrating at times… I’m not sure if I’ve had a single experience that can truly articulate (or define) the experience… until now.

 I recently visited a restroom, where I found the following sign:

“Please do not use bath to wash your body feet hair.”

 

I wish I had made that up, I really do.  But honestly, I’m just not that creative.

Yep… that about sums it up.

Peace out my peeps!

Day 958: My Boss's Very Smart Son

I have a funny story from the other morning while yet another snow storm hit the Washington, DC area.


My boss walks into the office shouting, “Kids are so stupid!”


Me: “What did he do?” – referring to his 22 year old son.


Boss: “You know what my idiot son did? He drove from Sterling to DC for his ‘band practice’ in a snow storm. Now he’s stuck on the side of the road and to make matters worse he ran out of gas.”


Co-worker: “Is he by himself.”


Boss: “No, he has his 19 year-old girlfriend with him… but I can’t believe was an idiot he is.”


Me: “Wait a minute… your son is stuck on the side of the road in a snow storm with his girlfriend? He sounds pretty smart to me.”


The comment made my boss pause… he smiled as he choked back a laugh… looked at me and said, “I see where you’re going and I’m not prepared to have that conversation.”

Day 957: The Pain of Low Countertops

I’ve never really thought of myself as a tall man.  In a lot of way, I still see myself as the late bloomer who started High School at 5’3”… but now, fully bloomed, I am much taller in comparison; however I would consider myself of average height by American standards.

Now, I’ve been overseas for quite a while now, so correct me if I’m wrong… but I seem to remember American counter tops being about waist high.  And by waist I mean my true waist, around where my bellybutton is located, not where my pants are buckled.

Anyway, in Belgrade I felt like a shrimp.  Serbian’s are pretty tall and their countertops are pretty tall as well.  I’m pretty sure that our kitchen counters in Belgrade come up well past my waist… just below my ribcage.  I could be exaggerating, but I know their taller than my American countertops.

However, in Pakistan I feel like a giant in comparison to the locals… and this feeling is reflected in the height of my countertops… they are low… absurdly low.  They only come up to my upper thigh.  Seriously, I measured yesterday.  If a tailor was making me a pair of Pakistani Countertop Pants… he wouldn’t need to take a full inseam measurement… if you know what I mean.  (If you don’t know what I mean… well… that’s a creatively nice way of saying the countertops don’t even come up to my crotch).

As a result… over the last six months, I’ve been suffering from a decent amount of lower back pain.   For being a dude, I’m pretty domesticated and I cook most of my own food and I find washing dishes oddly enjoyable, in a ‘quite time’ sort of way… so I spend a fair amount of time hunched over those incredibly short counter tops chopping, washing, and prepping. 

Take this past weekend for example.  Since Sunday is my only day off, I’ll normally spend a good portion of my day in the kitchen making my meals for the week (since I don’t have the time or energy on days that I work).  For example, this past Sunday I made enough Cheese Grits, Eggs with Scallions, Roasted Carrots, Stuffed Squash, Karahi Beef, Herb Rice, and Spiced Chickpeas to get me through the week.  I know that sounds like a lot… but I like to mix and match my meals to keep things fresh, I hate eating the same thing for Lunch and Dinner… and nothing goes to waste.

Anyway… a marathon cooking session like the one described above (complete with clean-up) could easily keep me in the kitchen for four or five hours.  And by the time I’m finished… I am usually in a great deal of pain.  I’m usually out of commission for the rest of the day… and it’s all due to the height of the kitchen counters.

Now… to add insult to injury… I actually have a normal sized American stove in my kitchen… and for some reason; my stove is mounted on a platform about four inches off the ground… so the height difference between my counter tops and my stove top is absurd. 

I’ve included some pictures to give you a better idea:

I used cans because my tape measure was too hard to read in the pictures.  The large cans are pretty much 4.5 inches and the small cans are 4 inches... so, this picture has 3 large cans and 4 small cans for a total of 29.5 inches... so, let's say the countertops are 31 inches tall.  The American standard is 36 - 42 inches... so we're talking about a 5 to 11 inch difference.


Now for the stove:

See what I mean about the stove being raised off the ground and coming up far beyond the countertops?

The stove is raised 4.5 inches off the ground.

And just under 9 inches from the countertop.


Mmmm... pinto beans.

Day 956: ‘Quijbe’ Sold Me My Last eBay Purchase Ever

So, yesterday I shared why I stopped selling things on eBay… and today I’m going to tell you why I no longer plan to purchase things on eBay.

Despite the issues I had as an eBay DVD reseller… I still thought eBay was a wonderful place to find a deal if you are looking for a specific items, know what that item is actually worth… and you’re patient.

So, last October when Grayson wrote Santa asking for the Star Wars Millennium Falcon for Christmas, being the good Santa I am, I set off on a quest to get it for him.

First, I discovered that the MF which is combatable with action figures hadn’t been reissued since 1995… and on Amazon, the ‘Star Wars Power of the Force Electronic Millennium Falcon’ featuring 4 authentic Star Wars sound effect buttons was retailing (new sealed in box) for $165.00… which was way too expensive… especially since our budget for Grayson was only $150.00.  So, instead of throw in the towel I started monitoring eBay.

 

It didn’t take long to realize that we were going to get a much better deal there.  There were lots of options and the pricings were quite clear:  ‘New, Sealed in Box’ seemed to be going for $100 to $130, ‘Used, Good Condition’ was going for $50 to $75, and ‘Used, Missing Pieces’ was going for around $35.00.

 

Now, I wasn’t opposed to getting Grayson a ‘Used, Good Condition’ toy… but since Serena and I intended the MF to be his big Santa gift this past year we opted to focus on the ‘New, Sealed in Box’ auctions for a while, in hopes to grab one at the low end of the price range.

 

And well… we did.  I found a 3-day auction featuring a ‘Brand New’ Star Wars Power of the Force Electronic Millennium Falcon.  The seller, Quijbe, clearly stated in his auction that the item had been in his attic, sealed in the box, since purchasing it over ten years ago… and that he had only just opened it to make sure the electronics still worked for the purpose of the auction.    Again, he claimed the items had never been used and was in mint condition with working sound effects.

When it looked like the auction might end up in our price range I even emailed Quijbe, letting him know that I’m serving overseas and asked if he would be willing to ship to an APO address.  Quijbe quickly replied saying he would.

So… I bid on the item and won it for $103.00 (including shipping). 

Now, keep in mind, I purchased this item while in Islamabad… and I had it shipped to Belgrade.  So, I wasn’t able to inspect the contents of the box until Christmas Eve, two months later.

I was heartbroken… and angry… I had been ripped off.

Now… the item in question was in fact a genuine Star Wars Power of the Force Electronic Millennium Falcon… however, it was far from ‘Brand New’… and judging by the amount of dust that was inside the box, the idea of it being ‘sealed’ while stored in Quijbe’s attic for the last ten years is highly unlikely. 

The most telling sign of the items age were the decals that had already been adhered to the toy.  I don’t know about you… but if I’m going to open a 10+ year old toy just to check to see if the electronics are still working so I can auction it off… I’m probably not going to adhere the decals.  Furthermore, about a third of the stickers were dried out and peeling off due to age… another sign that things weren’t as Quijbe claimed.

Beyond the stickers, I found that a number of the moving parts on the MF no longer worked properly due to wear.  The retractable legs designed to support the weight of the toy could no longer do so… I had to superglue a number of other parts in place because they were so worn they no longer stayed attached.

And the biggest insult came when I tried to test the electronic sound effects.  They didn’t work.

To say I was angry was an understatement.  But, it was also Christmas Eve and I knew Grayson was going to love it anyway… and as I said before, I have no problem getting Grayson a used toy, but when I buy I used toy I expect to be charged accordingly.  I was ripped off.  And the seller, Quijbe, knew it… there was no way he couldn’t have known.

Serena made me promise not to contact the seller until after Christmas weekend… she didn’t want me having an email battle with some jerk over Christmas… and I agreed and waited until Monday.

By Monday, I had a much cooler head and I wrote an email to Quijbe that I felt was clear, regarding my disappointment, while maintain a somewhat friendly tone.  You attract more flies with honey, right? 

Anyway, I outlined the misinformation in his auction listing, compared the item to more appropriate ‘Used, Good Condition’ auctions, and requested a $50 refund… without really having any expectations of getting one.

Well… as you can probably guess, Quijbe never returned my emails.  He didn’t need to respond.    You see, eBay limits the amount of time a buyer has, from the start of a transaction, to leave feedback for a seller.  Since two months passed from the time I purchased the item to the time I actually inspected it… I could no longer leave feedback regarding my involvement with the sale.

So… as far as this transaction goes… I’m the one who can go jump in a lake.

That said, you might have noticed that I’ve been using Quijbe’s eBay user name quite a bit in the post.  Well… here is the deal.  At some point Quijbe’s vanity is going to take over and he’ll probably Google himself… and I want this post to be his number one search result.  And the same goes for anyone doing a background check on him.

Quijbe, if you’re reading this, I’d like to invite you to read some of my other posts… in doing so, you’ll see that I’m not the kind of guy who flames people publically for no reason… you’re just going to find a guy who loves his family and tries his best to see the best in people, even when it’s hard.    I’m sure you’re a nice enough guy in real life, but for some reason, cloaked in the anonymity of the internet you thought it was okay to rip me off.  That’s not cool man.  Not cool at all. 

At the very least an apology is in order… and I wouldn’t turn down 50 bucks either.

Day 955: My Secret Life as an eBay Reseller

Once upon a time I used to buy a lot of things on eBay… and for a while I even sold a lot of things on eBay.  But that was back when retailers and consumers were honest… the first few minutes of eBay.

Anyway, back when I was pretending to be an eBay entrepreneur I specialized in DVD’s.  I would purchase bulks lots of DVD’s (new and used), watch them when they arrived, and then resold them individually as used/previously viewed DVDs.  At first, the business was going pretty great.  I wasn’t making a ton of money, but on average I was doubling my investment and I was saving a ton of money since I was never renting movies anymore.  I was essentially making money while I watched movies. 

Well… about a year into doing this bootleg movie scams started becoming very popular.  They started by selling in very large bulk lots, specifically targeting resellers (like me)… and I fell into the trap a few times… which totally stunk.  I can spot a bootleg a mile away and when they came in I had no other choice but given them away to friends… or sometimes I would give them to customers as free bonus gifts.  My costumers were always happy with their surprises… but I hated having the bootlegs in my stock because they wrecked havoc on my profits… I couldn’t sell them.  

As a result, I got pretty good at being able to identify eBay listings that were actually selling bootlegs.  At least until the scam reached a new level and I guess I was one of the few resellers who refused to sell bootlegs.  You see, as the number of resellers who fell for the scam grew… a large number of them, rather than writing off their loses, opted to unload their misfortune onto someone else… so they would repost their box of bootlegs on eBay… and as ‘reputable’ resellers did this it became harder and harder to identify legitimate bulk listings. 

And as I said before… I wasn’t making a ton of money off this little endeavor so it didn’t take many times falling for this scam before I was back down to even.   

Also, around this time, consumers caught wind of what was going on regarding the bootlegs and created scams of their own.  Now, remember that I only resold legit DVDs and remember that I prescreened my discs and sold with full disclosure than my movies had been previously viewed… however, I had a couple customers try and get refunds without returning the discs.  They claimed that I sent them bootlegs that didn’t work in their DVD player and threatened to leave negative feedback if I didn’t refund their money.  Knowing that I sent them legit discs I told them to jump in the lake.  One of them ended up leaving me negative feedback… and out of curiosity, I found that, as a customer, she had a string of negative feedbacks from sellers within the same one week period I was dealing with her… the only thing she didn’t seem to have trouble with were sellers specializing in window treatments for trailer homes, children’s tv shows and lesbian porn… I really wish I was joking about that… but I’m not.  


Anyway, I noticed that one of her negative feedbacks from earlier that day was another DVD reseller that I actually knew… so I emailed him. 

He was angry.  Over the last month he had been hit with a string of, what he called, feedback blackmailers who wanted full refunds on items purchased without returning them.  At first, this guy told them all to jump in a lake, like I did… and then the blackmailers hit him with  ton of negative feedback, which quick affected his overall sales… the blackmailers knew that eBay charged $20.00 to removed negative feedback, so getting a $10.00 refund for a movie (without returning it) became a pretty good business.

This reseller friend of mine had a much larger operation than I did and he was so fed up with everything that he eventually closed his eBay store.  I’m not sure what he’s doing now… but shortly after I talked to him I decided to throw in the towel while I was at even.

It just wasn’t fun anymore.

Day 954: 83rd Annual Academy Awards Recap

Well, my final Oscar Pool score was only 93!  I should have listen to awardsnazi, he clearly knew what was going on more than me… especially in the Documentary and Foreign Film categories.  Those two totally did me in.  Plus, I completely underestimated ‘Alice in Wonderland.’

Oh well… there’s always next year!  And the race begins NOW!

Thoughts on the Broadcast

Wow, this year’s Oscar telecast gave birth to a new level of boredom.  Nothing against the hosts, the presenters, or the acceptance speeches… they had very little to work with thanks to the producers wanting to scale down and streamline the awards.

However, despite their preshow claims, the producers didn’t REALLY scale down anything.  Sure, they cut out the large musical number and variety acts, they cut out the retrospective montages, they even relegated the lifetime achievement awards (my favorite part!) to an untelevised event and a mere mention on the telecast, they reduced the number of nominated songs and only let them perform a short except, and they even cut out the individual presentations honoring each of the best picture nominees. 

Yet, the telecast still lasted three hours and twenty minutes.  A very NORMAL Oscar runtime.

So… how is that possible when they cut so much content out of the show?  Well… easy, they gave all their left over time to advertisers.  I don’t know if any of you watched the Oscars live, but the longer the show was on the air, the more commercial breaks they were taking.  The last hour was SO annoying that I turned it off and watched the segments I hadn’t seen on youtube. 

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I would much rather watch the Frito Lays ‘Tribute to Comedy Films Montage’ than be subjected to constant commercial breaks.  Or, how about, ‘The Allstate Oscar goes to…”  Anything to get the opening musical number back!  Heck, offer a commercial free simulcast on pay per view for $50.  I don’t know!  Do anything besides what you did this past year, because if you keep scaling back you’re not even going to have awards to hand out!

You’re the Oscars… act like it.  Cutting content isn’t going to make it better… and if it doesn’t get better, then no advertiser will want to have your babies.    

Hosts

I touched on this yesterday, but I loved Anne Hathaway.  I thought she was excellent.  I would really love to see her host again (without James Franco).  I would really urge the producers to try pairing her with Neil Patrick Harris next year.

Anne opening the 81^st Academy Awards with Hugh Jackman:
(This was the BEST opening to the Oscars since Billy Crystal stepped down)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Terhj8mjPwY

Neil opening the 82st Academy Awards:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPMZKha6HeE

Think about it Oscar Producers… I’m not right about a lot of things… but I’m pretty sure I’m right about Anne and Neil.  (Pst… I’ll even let you take credit for the idea!)

Best Segments

My three favorite segments of the awards:

1) Anne’s song about Hugh Jackman.  Sure, it was totally random but it was funny.  They probably should have started the show with this and ended the song with James Franco making a superhero style entrance so Anne didn’t have to host alone… I’m just saying… if you’re looking for a producer, I could clear my schedule.

2) Billy Crystal’s guest spot talking about Bob Hope and the history of the Oscar telecast.  If you are a regular reader, you’ll know that I love the history of television stuff.  And I’m a HUGE Bob Hope fan.  When the Disney Channel first started they didn’t have much programming, so they aired a lot of Bob Hope movies and episodes to ‘The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriett’… so I just loved this segment… until the end, when the segment took a turn for the worse… which I will comment on later.

3) How the scientific awards were handled.  This was short and sweet, but instead to just showing pictures of a bunch of guys in suits accepting awards while random names are announced, this year they actually showed us examples of the technology being used, so we could better understand the impact the invention had on the movie industry… like the ‘spider cam’ and the improved rigging system for moving heavy objects like cars.  It was really cool to see what was going on.  I applauded this addition to the show.  Perhaps the Academy could partner with the Discovery Channel and produce a series on movie technology… it might raise enough money for a fifth Original Song nominee.

Worst Segment

The Bob Hope segment turned from sweet to horrific when it switched from Bob Hope’s voice to a HORRIBLE Bob Hope impersonator introducing Jude Law and Robert Downey, Jr.  (The horrible moment is at the very end of this video):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICEwmo9Nrcg

Best Presenters

Not every pair of presenters has the right chemistry for a really nice moment… but this year two did:

Russell Brand and Helen Mirren:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bF_l8tRnn04

And, despite the horrible intro, Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_hdIrrG-q0

So, what makes their pairings so special?  Well… they’re pairs weren’t random.  They had all worked together.  Robert and Jude were, of course, in ‘Sherlock Holmes’ together… and Russell and Helen were in ‘The Tempest’ together.  That kind of familiarity is what makes or breaks a pairing.

Best Acceptance Speech

A couple acceptance speeches started with really great one liners:

David Seidler (Original Screenplay): “I’m a bit of a late bloomer,” and Luke Matheny (Live Action Short): “I should have gotten a haircut.”

I also really enjoyed Tom Hooper’s (Best Director) story about his mother finding the material for the King’s Speech.  She had attended a staged reading for a play by the same name… which raises another question… Original screenplay?

However, the best acceptance speech of the night goes to Randy Newman: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCpv0-mLJf4

Worst Acceptance Speech

Yeah… Melissa Leo wins this dubious honor… and not just because she dropped the f-bomb.  I can forgive an f-bomb.  But her speech was just so strange and I think her last line put it over the top for me, “Because it’s about selling movies and honoring the work”… okay… I guess it wasn’t a horrible thing to say… but she delivered it like my uncle Marty after shotgunning fifteen gin and tonics… which made me a bit uncomfortable. 

Best One Liner of the Night

Saving whatever damage might have been done with the Melissa Leo f-bomb, immediately after Anne Hathaway threw down one of the best Oscar adlibs I’ve ever seen.  An adlib that proved she had what it takes to be a REAL Oscar host:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, the younger hipper Academy Awards! Thanks Melissa!”

Or at least it went something like that.

Well… that’s another Oscar season… thanks for humoring my obsession… I’m ready for a movie break… but not too long of a break.  I need to start preparing for next year!