Day 772: The Chair, Part 28 – The Stroller, Part 3

The plan was simple enough.  I ordered the stroller on Amazon and shipped it over night to Costello’s house.  Whereupon he was to pack all of the pieces into his luggage… and we would put it together when he arrived.


The infant stroller I purchased four year prior arrived in pieces.  Pieces that could have easily been packed into a bag and carried overseas.  With the help of a Phillips head screw driver, the stroller could be assembled in less than 15 minutes.


Problem.


The stroller that arrived on Costello’s doorstep was a more up-to-date model… that came preassembled.  And wasn’t designed to be taken apart.


Long story short… it wouldn’t fit in his bags.

Day 771: The Chair, Part 27 – The Stroller, Part 2

When Grayson was born Serena and I really wanted to get one of those infant travel systems… and for those fellow parents out there, you know what I’m talking about.  


A travel system normally comes with an infant car seat that straps into some very elaborate stroller you can use until your kid gets his driver’s license.  


These systems are very cool, very expensive… and as we later found out… very impractical.  I am almost embarrassed that we registered for it… and I’m equally embarrassed that my father-in-law actually bought it for us… since we barely used it. 


Instead, we stumbled onto the most amazing product.  An infant car seat stroller/cart frame thingy.  


Kind of like this:http://www.amazon.com/Graco-SnugRider-Infant-Stroller-Frame/dp/B0007KMUH4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=baby-products&qid=1274365403&sr=8-1


Originally, we bought this for my mom.  When Serena went back to work part-time, my mom was watching Grayson once a week and she was having trouble carrying him around in his car seat.  As a solution, Serena found the car seat stroller frame and we bought one for my mom.  It worked perfectly for her.  It was light weight, easy to move in and out of the trunk of her car, and most importantly, it was great for moving a sleeping Grayson around without taking him out of his seat.  


This product worked so great in fact that we started making my mom give it back whenever we picked-up Grayson after work.  So, fast forward four-years.  Gilliam is on his way… and where is all of our baby stuff?  In our permanent storage container in Hagerstown of course.  Duh!  


Now we already have three strollers… two are for older kids like Grayson… and the third is this really great two seat stroller our neighbors lent us, however, none were very practical for our time in London or getting through airports quickly and easily.  Which is KEY!


So… of course… we start looking for an infant car seat stroller frame thingies again.  And, the first one we found was in London.  But it is CRAZY expensive.  So, we looked into having one shipped from the States via our department personal mail service.  Well… there was an issue.  All incoming packages must not exceed a certain weight and size.  And according to Amazon, the weight was well within our limit… but the box exceeded our dimensions allowance… so we started scrambling for options.  


And our best option was none other than Costello… he was a week away from coming to visit and more than willing to lean a hand… as always.

Day 770: The Chair, Part 26 – The Stroller, Part 1

After all the twists and turns this story has taken… I think it comes without any surprise as to why Costello came to London to see us during our medevac (hoping to be one of the first to meet Gilliam)… and, in addition, why he ended up standing next to me outside IKEA at 4 o’clock on a drizzle January afternoon.

As we looked up at the monster of a building… the blue and yellow eerily staring back down at us… Costello turned to be and said, “I hate you.”

For Costello, quickly throwing out the words “I hate you” was his way of saying “I can’t believe you talking me into this… when will I learn to stop answering the phone???”

Yes… Costello has been sucked into many of my misadventures… and has agreed to countless favors… and he certainly has grounds for hating me.  After all, I made him carry a stroller from Atlanta to London for me.

Well… From Atlanta, to Charlotte, to London… well… it should have been that simple… his plane was diverted to Manchester… and well… he finally made it to London about 12 hours later.

Sit tight.

Day 769: The Chair, Part 25 - The R&R Ticket

For those of you not in the Foreign Service, you probably aren’t familiar with the R&R concept… at least not in the context of how we use the term in the service.  And for those of you in the Foreign Service you know that R&R tickets are like GOLD!

I will ‘quickly’ explain:

An R&R Ticket (Rest and Recuperation Ticket) is a full fare airline ticket (for you, spouse, and kids) back to any location in the States (or a pre-specified R&R Point) so members of the Foreign Service can get away and use their annual leave in a more ‘relaxed’ environment. 

What’s an R&R Point?  Well, every post that qualifies for R&R (not every post gets them) has an R&R point.  In Belgrade, our R&R Point was London.  So we had the choice of going to London or the States… technically, there are other options that allow you to go anywhere in the world you want, but I don’t feel like explaining the concept of a ‘cost construct’ right now.

Also, every post has different R&R eligibilities.  As I hinted before, some posts, like London and Rome, don’t have any R&R eligibilities at all… because those locations are already considered ‘western’ and ‘relaxing’.  At posts like Belgrade you get an R&R for every 18 months you’re at post.  Sarajevo, you get one for every 12 months of service.  And for Islamabad you get one for every 6 months of service.  Quick math, for a 2 year tour in each of these cities you would get the following:

Belgrade: 1 R&R

Sarajevo: 2 R&Rs

Islamabad: 4 R&Rs

You get the idea. 

Well, my tour in Belgrade was a two years assignment; even though it was technically a 24 month tour, I would have needed a 36 month tour to get the second R&R.  So, I have just one R&R.

Originally, Serena and I planned a very nice vacation to Atlanta together… BUT… shortly after planning it, we found out Serena was pregnant with Gilliam.  SO, I cancelled my part of the R&R so I could use the ticket to get back to the States for the birth.  However, life came at us again.

About a year ago, Costello contacted me about his father.  Lung Cancer.   The Costello’s, like the Patterson’s, are a second family to me.  And it pained me that I was so far away, but Costello and I stayed in touch throughout.

In October, Costello contacted me about his dad again.  Hospice… they weren’t sure if he was going to make it to Christmas.  Two weeks later, on a Friday afternoon in Belgrade, I came back from lunch and found an email from Jeff.  His father had passed.  My response?

“I’m on my way.”

What Costello didn’t know is that I had been mobilizing. 

By the time I received his email about his father entering Hospice, Serena and I had already decided to have Gilliam in London rather than traveling back to the States, so Serena and I decided I should use my R&R ticket for the funeral.  I quickly got permission from my supervisors and let the management office and our travel office know what my plans were… although we had no idea when I would be leaving.   

Two hours after I got the sad news from Costello I had a sign leave slip, R&R orders, a funding site, and tickets on the first plane out the next morning.  And thirty-six hours later we were in an Atlanta bar together toasting his father.

That’s the kind of friendship I am talking about.

Day 768: The Chair, Part 24 - The Getting On With It… Kind Of

Okay, I need to stop.  Seriously.  If I don’t put myself in check, I could easily continue my Costello stories for the next few days, weeks, months, years. 

I could tell you about the 10 times he’s helped me move.  I could tell you about when I was accepted into the Foreign Service and he said, “They’re helping you move, right?  Cause I’m not doing it.”

I could tell you about the time my car broke down on I-20 about two and a half hours outside of Atlanta and he rearranged his schedule to come get me.

Or, the OTHER time my car broke down and he drove me across town so I could attend a dinner in honor of my Niece/God Daughter Kiersten.

The time he attended my graduation…

Or, when he showed up 10 hours early to my parent’s lake house the day of my wedding… the wedding that Serena and I planned ourselves… and without being asked, Costello took the helm and began stage managing our big day so we didn’t have to worry about the caterers, photographers, musicians… or anything.  And you know what?  We didn’t worry about anything… everything went off without a hitch… and that was thanks to Costello.

No, even if I told you all of those stories you would ever fully understand the bond that Costello and I have.  Except for maybe this one story… the one about the R&R Ticket.

In a nut shell… Costello is R&R ticket worthy.

Day 767: The Chair, Part 23 – The ‘Go Ask Alice’ Set, Part 3

So, by the time our incredibly intelligent teacher helped us move everything the school ever bought the Drama Club to Costello’s house it was lunch time… so the five remaining builders headed off to Wendy’s to carb-up for the rest of our day. 

Shortly after finishing lunch, two of our builders called it quits for the day.  Seriously… they helped us move everything, ate, and then left.

So who was left besides Costello and me?  Well… it was none other than Justin.  You remember Justin right?  I wrote about him on Day 754?

That’s right… it’s a Costello Crossover story!

Yeah, so when I started developing my interest in theatre and started peeling away from band, most of my band friends were like, “I can’t believe you would do anything except band, band, band… AHHHH!”  They grew fangs and would chase me through the halls… no, not really.  For most people, band was their only social outlet and they didn’t really branch-out… so when I stared to branch-out… they weren’t interested in coming with me… except for Justin.

You see, Justin was also the younger brother of a Pope High School badass… His brother had been in both Band and Drama… so when I made my move, Justin though it was only logical and came along as a stage hand.

So… there we were; the three of us… Justin and I were already good friends… but we were still fairly new in our friendship with Costello… at least until after the build… our ‘shared experience’.

Well… we dug in deep and the three of us started building… and about five hours later… we had finished… about half of the set.  We were a little frustrated… annoyed… and a bit discouraged.  We probably had about 5 hours of work left (or more)… and we were getting tired and started slowing down.

Now, when I am faced with something that ticks me off and I’m tired… I like to finish it… I totally buckle down and push through no matter how painful the process is (or how painful my attitude is).  And Justin balanced that beautifully, because he’s a pretty positive guy… so he was our cheerleader.  And thankfully, Costello is a bit more realistic.  When it was time to break for dinner and we were completely battered and beaten… Costello looked at us and said, “Have you guys ever seen the movie ‘Brain Donors’?” 

Neither Justin nor I had seen it… BUT, stopping to watch a movie in the middle of a build went against everything I believed in and I fought the idea.  I lost… well… we compromised.  We decided to watch it while we ate dinner.

Now, Brain Donors is a totally stupid, yet hilarious movie dreamt up by the Zucker Brothers (who made Top Secret and Airplane!).  ‘Brain Donors’ was their tribute to the Marx Brothers and it stars John Turturro (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brain_Donors).  The last ten minutes of the movie is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen!

Anyway, we ended up watching the whole movie… and we just laughed and laughed.  After the day we had, we needed to laugh.   And that laugher gave us the energy to push through to the end.

By the time the movie was over it was dark outside… but that didn’t deter us.  We turned on our headlights… and mounted work lights all around Costello’s driveway… and got back to work, all the while quoting the ridiculous lines from ‘Brain Donors’… and then…  and we finished the set!  It took us until midnight… but we finished. 

Three guys, fourteen and a half hours, and a liability waiting to happen produced the entire set for ‘Go Ask Alice’. 

After that day and unbreakable bond was forged.

Day 766: The Chair, Part 22 – The ‘Go Ask Alice’ Set, Part 2

Don’t worry folks, there are only two parts to this sub-story… there is no telling how many parts there will end up being in the main story of “The Chair”… but for the ‘Go Ask Alice’ set there will be only two parts… I promise.

So, where was I?

Okay, when our Drama teacher told us it was time to clean-up and finish our build we proposed an alternative:

To transport everything we needed to build the set from the school to Costello’s driveway, which was only about a mile down the road. 

Our drama teacher thought this was a good idea and agreed...

Let me repeat: ‘Our drama teacher thought this was a good idea and agreed.’

Folks.  About eight years after this incident, I actually became a High School Drama Teacher.  THIS WAS NOT A GOOD IDEA!  The liability issues of a maneuver like this insane! 

How so?  Well, let’s break this down and discuss what she really agreed to.

1.       She agreed to let students remove school property from the school grounds UNSUPERVISED.  Building a set on the weekend at someone house is not abnormal… BUT, not having a teacher or a booster club member there to supervise IS abnormal.

2.       This property didn’t simply include lumber, hammer and nails… No!  It included POWER TOOLS (screw guns, circular saws, and even a TABLE SAW!)  Seriously… do you really think sending a table saw, owned by the school, home with a bunch of teenage boys is a good idea?

3.       She helped us load the trucks!

Seriously, folks, I’m dumbfounded by the actions my teacher took… once I became a teacher I would look back on this and cringe. 

What the heck was she thinking… oh yeah… half price margaritas at ‘On the Board’… it was a weekend lunch special.

Okay… I lied… it’s a three part story.

Day 765: The Chair, Part 21 – The ‘Go Ask Alice’ Set

I’m not really sure how many of you have participated in a theatre production before.  Your experience doesn’t have to be fancy: a high school show, a community theatre show, or even one drunken rainy night standing on the Tri-Delta’s front lawn shouting poetry at second floor windows.  It doesn’t matter, these are all viable productions.

Unless of course you are involved in a One-Act play version of ‘Go Ask Alice’.  Nothing is more entertaining than a 25 minute show about teenage drug use.  Seriously folks; Amazon’s description of ‘Go Ask Alice’ starts with the following:

“The torture and hell of adolescence has rarely been captured as clearly as it is in this classic diary by an anonymous, addicted teen.”

WHOOHOO!  High School Drama Club ROCKS!

Yes, ‘Go Ask Alice’ was torturous and hellish, but not as torturous and hellish as building the scenery for ‘Go Ask Alice’.  How so?  Well, we were dealing with too little time and too little man power.

Let me tell you something about high school drama students… everyone wants to me an actor and they think sets and props grow on trees.  And worse yet, when they don’t get cast in the school play… they pout and “quit” drama club… until the next audition.  They all want to be stars…

Did I want to be a star?  Sure… but I wanted to be a jack-ass with a blog more… which is why I never quit when I didn’t get cast.  I joined stage crew.  Because being part of the show was better than NOT being part of the show… or going home to do homework.

Costello, on the other hand was always stage crew, that’s where he liked to be…, behind the scenes.  Incidentally, in his spare time, Costello is still working behind the scenes and was recently nominated for an Atlanta Community Theatre Award for Best Lighting Design.

Anyway, for ‘Go Ask Alice’ Costello served as Stage Manager, he was ALWAYS stage manager, which meant he also did the lights, the sound, the set and anything else that needed to be done with the handful of people willing to help.

For the ‘Go Ask Alice’ set, his hand full of minion dwindled to three rather quickly… almost as quickly as we were kick off the school property by our Drama teacher.

Here’s the skinny. 

We only had one weekend to build the set and Costello, with the ‘help’ if our Drama teacher, organize a build day… our goal was to finish the entire set in one long day.  It was a tough goal, but doable. 

Around 9:30 in the morning about 10 people had started trickling in ready to work.  By around 10am, people were already starting to come up with excuses to leave… and by around 11:30, our numbers had shrunk in half.  Then we were dealt what could have been our final blow.

Our Drama teacher came in and announced that we needed to clean up and call it a day.  Costello freaked out.  “WHAT! We’ve barely started!”  “I told you I could only stay until 11am… I’ve already given you an extra 30 minutes.” 

Now, before I continue I will share a couple pieces of information. 

1.      It usually takes weeks to build a nice looking set… especially for unsupervised high school students.  I’ve only witnessed a group of high school students build a set in one day once in my life.  It was when I was teaching high school… and Costello came to run the build for me… we started at 9am and by a little after midnight, we had a two story set built.

2.      Our Drama teacher was looney-tunes.  Seriously… she was fruit cake crazy.  She would pull stuff like this all the time… she told us we could have an all day build and she never once told us we could only have a couple hours.  Later we found out she had a pretty major drinking problem and was a regular as a bar known for attracting older singles who wanted to hook-up and snort lines.  Seriously.  If she had ever been a good teacher, I might have felt sorry for her.

3.      Costello was pissed.  Costello was VERY pissed.

After a string of profanity, Costello went into panic mode… how do we salvage the day?  We’re not allowed on school property without a teacher present.  What do we do?

Well, there was only thing we could do… move the build.

Day 764: The Chair, Part 20 – The Shared Experience

Now where was I?  Ummm… errr… let’s see… wedding, glider chair, fear of chairs, IKEA, fear of IKEA, friendships, Costello, fear of Costello (wait, no, I cut that part out)… ah yes… chicken!  Before taking a three day break from “The Chair” (completely destroying my numbering… so now Part 20 is on August 23rd making my life soooo confusing) I left off comparing friendship to a whole deep fried chicken.  It’s a sensible comparison really... 

Seriously… 

No, not seriously.

The point I was trying to make is that the word “friendship” is rather generic… like the word “food”.  People use it to refer to all sorts of things.  There is no real sense of hierarchy or importance in the word ‘friendship’.  The word itself has now measure of a friendship’s bond.

Example: If, once upon a time we, shared a bloomin’ onion at a finely catered event and you told me a good joke… when I repeat this joke to other people at different events, I would probably credit you as ‘a friend’… example: “A friend of mine told me this great joke a while back, want to hear it?  Two nun’s walk into a---.”

Following me?  If two people make polite conversation about nun’s while eating fried food, we can describe that as a foundation for being friends… even though we would technically them “acquaintances”.  

But, you would never catch me saying, “This acquaintance I once meet told me…” No!  People don’t say that.  Well, maybe some people do… but they’re weirdoes… and probably wouldn’t appreciate my nun story in the first place… and I would be more likely to say to people, “Hey, get a load of that wack-job with the onion who doesn’t like jokes about nuns!” 

Just kidding, I would never say something like that… however, since my mom was once in a convent… I am a clearing house for funny nun stories.  Seriously.

I digress.

Now days, the term ‘friend’ can mean any number of things.  BUT, a true honest to God friendship comes at a price… a shared experience… a victory!  a defeat.  An epic encounter of some design… much like I did with that deep fried chicken.

Having trouble understanding?  

Think about the movie Deliverance.  Four work buddies going on a rafting trip… only to have their fun destroyed by inbreed banjo players.  But they banded together and survived… some of them survived!  And you know?  After an experience like that, I bet they were best friends for life!  

Well, maybe not Ned Betty… I don’t know how he could look anyone in the eye after they’ve seen him squeal like a pig. 

It’s all about the ‘shared experience’. 

And for Costello and me… our shared experience… our very first, of many, shared experience was the building of the ‘Go Ask Alice’ set.

Day 763: SchutzHappens, The Movie - June/July 2010

Day 762: A Break for DiploBall Recruiting

For those of you who have been following SchutzHappens for the last year or so… you’ll know that I’m not all 100% namby-pamby artsy actor boy… No, Sir!  I have a very ‘manly’ side as well.  My friends… I am, of course, talking about good ole American Football.

The season is upon us!  And the time for DiploBall is now! 

I am a pretty avid Fantasy Football enthusiast… however; I don’t really like traditional Fantasy Football.  I enjoy Football Pick ‘Em games.

What is a Football Pick ‘Em game? 

Well, I am glad you asked.  A Football Pick ‘Em game is EASY.  All you have to do is predict the winners of the weekly games… and for each correct prediction you win points.

How many points do I get? 

Good question.  This part of the game separates the true masters of the game and the cannon fodder.  The answer of the question is… YOU!  For each prediction you make, you have to assign a point value. 

If there are 15 games… you would assign 15 points to your most confident prediction.  And then 14 points to your second most confident prediction… all the way down to 1 point for your least confident prediction. 

To break it down even simpler: If pick any team in the NFL to beat the St. Louis Rams, you would assign 15 points.  However, if you are a die-hard Rams fan and would never think of betraying your team by picking them to lose… then you would assign 1 point.

Follow me?  And if you predict correctly, you’ll get the points for that game.  If you get the pick wrong, you don’t get the points. 

It’s that simple.

Football Pick ‘Em is my bread and butter… I play in two different leagues and I’ve been undefeated for two seasons.

FAMILY LEAGUE: There are about twenty people in my family league and we only predict Professional Football Games.

DiploBall: This is a Foreign Service League I started last year for my friends in Belgrade.  Since there was a pretty even split between Pro and College fans in the group we play a Hybrid Game.  Each week we pick all the NFL games and 15 of the top NCAA games.  Last year we had fifteen players and we are currently recruiting for our Second Seasons… we’re already up to 20 players.  Our goal is to have the largest world-wide Football Pick ‘Em league.

Are you up for the challenge?!?

If you win… I’ll mail you the Golden DiploBall of Supremacy.  Which I currently process… because I am awesome.   

If you think you would be more than cannon fodder my mad Football Pickin’ skills… and that you could successfully pry my Golden DiploBall of Supremacy from my cold dead hands… then sign-up! 

Heck, even if you’ll only be cannon fodder… still sign up.  Studies suggest Fantasy Football is an excellent way to network with business colleagues.  And as we all learned yesterday.  The Foreign Service is all about networking. 

And, No, you don’t have to be in the Foreign Service to play DiploBall.  You just have to be willing to lose… badly.

To join, email me at schutzhappens@gmail.com!

Day 761: A Break for Bidding

Okay, “The Chair” is going much longer than I had originally anticipated… which is cool… I am totally in the zone and I am diggin’ it… I hope you are too.  Heck, I’m so engrossed in my own transcendental meanderings (and National Friendship Week) that I completely and totally missed International Suit Up Day, www.suitupday.com.  Will you ever forgive me?  Can we celebrate together next year?  Why would you say that?  I would never forget International Talk like a Pirate Day.  It’s going to be legen--- wait for it—DARY!

Ummm… yeah… sure… huh… nothing could be more appropriate to follow that, then a little shop talk… business… the bane of my existence: Bidding. 

If you are not familiar with the word ‘bidding’ in the context of work then you’re probably not associated with the Foreign Service… or your probably one of the few responsible folks who do all of your eBay shopping at home.

In the Foreign Service, ‘bidding’ refers to the process of choosing our next assignments… our next jobs… our next homes.  It all sounds very glamorous, huh?  Ummm… no.

You see, ‘bidding’ isn’t really bidding at all.  It’s applying for a job.  How do I know this?  Well, the last time I bid on anything, I wasn’t asked to submit an updated resume, references, and an appropriate time for an interview.  These things never happen on eBay!  And most importantly, when I have the winning bid, I’m never invited to go work for the auctioneer!  That happens when I’m offered a job that I apply for. 

And that is what the folks in the Foreign Service do best: apply for jobs.  We’re good at it.  It took a year and a half from the time I submitted my first application to the day I completed all of the rounds of competency test, medical test, security screening, interviews, and flaming potato catching and actually started my new job.  It was intense!  When was the last time you had to pursue a job for a year and a half?  I know!  Crazy-Town!

So, yeah, it totally makes sense… if it takes a year and a half to get the job… why not reapply every two to three years just to keep your job!

.

Okay, I’m better… really I am… . 

Folks, let’s all have a set on the carpet and talk. 

Basic, basic, basic low level Human Recourses ‘THEORY’ states the following:  If two people hold the same position and are of the same pay grade/seniority, in theory, they should be interchangeable.    

What do I mean?  Well, if Grayson and Gilliam are hired as Political Officers and Grayson is a Grade 3/Step 2 and Gilliam is a Grade 3/Step 1 … then Grayson is the more senior Political Officer.  However, if Grayson and Gilliam were both Grade 3/Step 2 Political Officers, theory would suggest they were capable of doing the same job.

However, no one likes to be part of a theory… or thought to be interchangeable… especially in the Foreign Service, so we’ve added an extra layer to the madness.  In order to show his dominance, Grayson must now use his resume, references and superior interview skills to make himself look better than the rest of the Grade 3/Step 2 Political Officers all over the world.

Oh, and there is also another more shameless and somewhat shady side to bidding… it’s called “cashing in on your friendships.”  If you happen to know someone who once knew another person who worked for the guy who used to know the woman who once shared a bagel with the person in charge of hiring for the position you want, then, you can cash in a favor and have all those folks announce how awesome you are and how great of an addition you would be for the Embassy you want to work in.

BTW… have I mentioned my bid list yet?

1.       Montevideo, Uruguay

2.       Panama City, Panama

3.       Lima, Peru

4.       Tallinn, Estonia

5.       Geneva, Switzerland

6.       Brussels, Belgium

Do me a favor… tell them I’m awesome!

“Oh, no he didn’t!”

Oh, yes I did.

Peace out my little Happeners! 

Day 760: The Chair, Part 19 - The Chicken Hierarchy

Whether we like it or not… or even recognize it… there is a hierarchy to everything in life.  And most of the time this hierarchy is self created based on an individual’s personal taste… or more importantly, this personal taste can be shaped by some sort of event or shared experience.

Like food... there are foods you like, there are foods you love, there are foods you don’t love, food you down right hate, and there are foods you don’t mind eating if there is nothing else available.  

For me, I was never a big fan of chicken.  I found it dry, rubbery, and completely devoid of flavor.  I didn’t hate it… I would eat it… but I wouldn’t go out of my way to have it… I would never order chicken at a restaurant.

And then the ‘Event’ happened: A young hot-shot oral surgeon yanked out all four of my impacted wisdom teeth… along with a sizable portion of my jaw bone.  The guy completely messed me up.  What should have been a two and a half day recovery took two and a half months… and more most of that time I could only choke down liquids… chewing hurt way too much.

However, for some reason, the solid food item I craved the most was chicken… but not just any kind of chicken.  I wanted to deep fry a whole chicken.  Which was a strange notion at the time… because I’d never eaten a deep fried chicken.  The only chicken I had ever eaten in my life had been over cooked (dry) in a microwave (rubbery) without the use of salt or other spices (completely devoid of flavor)… yet for some reason, I really wanted a whole deep fried chicken.

Where did it come from?

Well, one of my good theatre buddies, Kevin Robertson (Who just co-starred with Cameron Diaz in a movie called “The Box”) used to tell me these great stories about his family on the holidays.  He’s from a small South Carolina town called Union, and every Thanksgiving, in their back yard, his dad would firer-up their Jacuzzi sized deep fat fryer and deep fry their turkey.  But, it wasn’t just a family affair… their neighbors would come over too… and for the price of a case of beer and good company, they could drop their turkey in as well.

For some reason, I really like this story… and the idea of deep frying a Turkey sounded interesting to me.  So while I healed, keeping myself subdued with pain killers I dreamt of my very own deep fried chicken.

When I had a bit more strength, I ventured out and I bought the largest fry daddy I could find: “The Fry Granddaddy”… and I put on the counter of my kitchen.  And when the time came… when I could stomach the idea of chewing… I dropped a whole chicken into my Fry Granddaddy.  And I ate the whole chicken in one sitting.

What?  Don’t look at me that way… I hadn’t eaten solid food for almost two months!

Now a days, chicken is my favorite food… although I’m no longer deep frying them… I’m a sucker for a good roasted chicken… or a smoked chicken on the grill.  That’s just heaven.

Heaven.

Day 759: The Chair, Part 18 – The Calming of the Masses

You know?  Some people are just so impatient.  Has anyone looked at the comments on my post a few days ago regarding Kerry?  Well, Kerry herself comments about two issues:

1.       “I have to say I'm a little freaked out as to why the post about me is highlighted in white when no one else's is”

Well Kerry, it’s because you’re special… and you’re the only female in the group… “Really?”  “No, not really.” 

Now, some of you are probably going back in time to find the post to see what she means by “highlighted in white”… well… Don’t bother.  It’s not there.  I fixed it. 

However, I bet some of my loyal Happener’s (Yes!  I’ve named you!) know exactly what Kerry is talking about.  A few months ago I was plagued by this bizarre white highlighting of my posts… and it took me a while to figure out what was going on. 

Anyway, it probably doesn’t come by a huge surprise that Microsoft was the culprit.  You see, I write all of my posts in MS Word and then I copy and paste them into BlogSpot once I “edit” them. 

A few months ago… and I am not sure why… Word started doing something funny.  When I copy and paste from Word into BlogSpot, it started copying Words Formatting, and for some reason, the formatting includes a white background behind the text.  It’s very strange.  I didn’t actually figure it out until I started reading the HTML code on BlogSpot.

Anyway, I’ve tried to remove it in Word, but nothing works.  I’ve tried the “fancy” Clear Formatting button.  Didn’t work.  I’ve tried changing the background color to Transparent.  Didn’t work.  So, finally… I’ve started using the most basic work-around there is: MS NotePad.  NotePad by design clears all formatting from text… so I copy from Word to NotePad to BlogSpot.  It’s a lot of work and a pain in my rear… but it works… when I remember to do it.

Now you know.

2.       “And you've left out the part where your absurdly long friends have become friends with each other.”

This is very true.  VERY true in fact.  And well… Kerry… you jumped the gun a little.  Today I was going to start telling Costello Crossover stories:

·         The night Costello, Justin and I built a set in his driveway by lamp light.

·         The first time Costello, Justin, and I stole the PUPPET HEAD and gave it to Dan and Chris sparking a feud between drama clubs.

·         The crazy movie trivia night when Costello, Kerry, and Josh all converged on my house for my Birthday Party.

Remember what I said when I began this saga? 

“All six people I will tell you about over the next few days know Costello.  And I am sure they understand where I am coming.”

There are countless crossover stories… and not just including Costello… Another friend from high school, named Debbie, ended up meeting Kerry and now they keep in better touch with either other than I do. 

Last time we were in NY, Dan ended up meeting one of Serena’s friends from PeaceCorp, and to the best of my knowledge they have stayed in touch as well.   

It goes on and on and on.  What did I say last week?  “Friendship is very important”.  It should not surprise anyone that my close friends have since forged their own friendships with each other. 

Countless crossover stories…

Over the next few days I’m going to tell you some about Costello... all this might seem unimportant or unrelated to the saga of “The Chair”… but this is all just part of the build.  Costello is key and the payoff is going to be priceless.

Trust me.

Day 758: The Chair, Part 17 - The Costello

Finally!  I know, right?

A whole week about friendship and we’re finally there… the whole point: Costello, the man who was ‘lucky’ enough to spend his London vacation with me… in January… shopping for a rocking chair at IKEA.  Lucky him, right?

I met Costello about 17 years ago… at HIS birthday party.  I had seen him around school, but didn’t really know him all that well.  I actually found him a bit stand-offish… quickly, I realized it was because he is incredible introverted (at least until you get to know him).  My invitation to Costello’s surprise birthday party came from my then girl-friend who was actually closer friends with Costello’s older brother… which is a pretty key aspect of our friendship.

You see, in our families, Costello and I are both the youngest of two boys and our older brothers were total rock-stars in High School… across the board.

My brother, who is six years older than me, was on the Varsity Wrestling Team, Math Team, and he was an Allstate level Saxophone player.  During his senior year, he was 1^st chair Allstate Tenor Sax player and 6^th chair Allstate Alto, which means he was deemed the best Tenor Sax player and the 6^th best Alto Sax player in the state of Georgia that year.

Costello’s brother, who is four years older than him, pretty much mirrored my brother.  He was on the Varsity Football team, Show Choir, and Drama Club… If memory serves me correctly, Costello’s brother won best actor at the region One-Act competition his senior year… and I’m pretty sure the play, “Lend Me a Tenor” took second place over all.  I think it’s still the most successful showing Pope High School’s drama club has ever had at the annual competition… but a lot of time has passed and I could be wrong.

My point is this: Both Costello and I knew what it was like to live in the shadows of our brothers.  Everyone one knew who we were.  Our teachers knew who we were before we even sat down in class; the administration knew who we were when we were walking down the halls… and most importantly the upperclassmen ALL knew who we were… we were EVERYONE’s honorary “little” brothers. 

The notoriety came in handy for things like rides home from school (I took the bus home only once in my three and a half years of High School).   However, the notoriety had its annoying draw backs too… especially for two relatively quiet guys.  Neither of us were as outgoing as our brothers, neither of us were as studious as our brothers, and neither of us were as talented as our brothers.  For us, High School was not simply about making a name for ourselves… no… we couldn’t do that until we broke free of our brothers reputations… and it took a while.

So, at Costello’s birthday party, surrounded by his brother’s friends… and me.  We bonded over a game of Trivial Pursuit.  And 17 years later, he is my closest friend. 

My boys call him ‘Uncle Jeff’.  A name he has certainly earned… as you will soon find out.

Day 757: The Chair, Part 16 - The Friendships, Part 7 = Josh

The final friend I want to tell you about, before getting into Costello, is Josh.  Now, Josh and I don’t talk as much as I would like anymore… a few years back we broke a cardinal rule… we mixed business and friendship.

14 years ago on my birthday, Dan called me up a couple hours before my party and asked, “Do you mind if I bring a couple friends.”  “Not at all, any friend of yours is a friend of mine.”    And no truer words have ever been spoken… except for that picnic when my mom said, “I don’t think this mayonnaise is good anymore.”  But, that’s a very different story.

Anyway, Dan brought two people.  Eric, who I already knew (we went through High School Marching Band together) and Josh… who I had never met before.  That night Josh and I became instant friends and pretty much hung out exclusively for the next few days, until winter break ended and I left to go back to Charleston.

Later that year, Josh organized a trip to come visit me in Charleston.  That next summer, when Star Wars Episode One was realized, Josh bought out an entire movie theatre on opening day just for friends and family, and we tailgated that whole afternoon in the movie theatre parting lot.  Not in costume… just a football style tailgate.  Josh shares my love for the absurd.

One VERY funny aspect about our tailgating adventure: We had made a pact NOT to see the movie until our private theatre showing… however, neither of us could wait… and separately, we both, went to a midnight showing the night before… and then spent our whole day tailgating pretending we hadn’t seen the movie.  We came clean with each other about two years later… our confessions caused hysterical laughter.

In addition Josh was a big fan of my themed Birthday Parties.  The night we met was my Mob themed Birthday… however; my personal favorite was my “Heroes of the Cold War and Red Scare” Birthday.  I sent all of my out invitation as Fidel Castro; Josh arrived as Joseph Stalin and stayed in character all night. 

Overtime, I have realized the key to my friendship with Josh hinged on never living in the same city.  A few months before I left Charleston and moved back to Atlanta, Josh moved back to Birmingham.  We still visited a lot and Josh always made it to my birthday parties.  And finally, when Josh was looking for a change of scenery, I had an opportunity.

You see, Josh is an amazing visual artist.  With his focus on new digital media’s and passion for the fantasy genre, Josh was a perfect fit for teaching children’s art classes at the arts educational center I used to work at.  Business was booming.  So, I recruited him and he moved back to Atlanta. 

Josh was a natural and quickly developed a following and some really amazing classes… however, over time, the communities interest in art classes peaked and began to fade… and Josh was left without enough students to keep teaching… and it wasn’t just Josh… there was an across the board drop in class registrations.  And in the end, Josh couldn’t afford to stay and moved back to Birmingham. 

We haven’t talked as much as I would like since he left.

Day 756: The Chair, Part 15 – The Friendships, Part 6 = Kerry

14 years ago I met Kerry, or as my kids know her, ‘Aunt Krazy’. 

Kerry is my dearest friend from college, and avid reader of this blog,

I first met Kerry on the infamous ‘Couches’ on the Theatre floor at the college of Charleston, during my first week of college. 

I started mid-year fresh out of high school… just days after my 18^th birthday (I graduated from HS a semester early and immediately moved out of state and started school). 

At the time, I had never moved before… and I had never been in a situation where I had no friends… I didn’t know anyone.  So, since I couldn’t stand my roommate Creep-Monkey, I decided to sit on the ‘Couches’ until I met someone… I sat there for a couple days… until finally someone spoke to me… and someone finally did… well… not so much spoke TO me… or even introduced themselves to me… but more talked ABOUT me… in a very sarcastic snarky way.  I looked up… and I dished it back.  That someone was Kerry and we have been friends ever since. 

You know?  Having someone like Kerry on your best friends list is pretty rocking because it’s humbling.  Kerry knew me in college… which pretty much means she knew me at my worst… a binge drinking drunken mess of a man.  Kerry’s held my head when I was sick… talked me down when my heart was broken… and is hands down the best stage manager I have EVER worked with.  Oh, and she’s the best darn airport shuttle drive I’ve ever had (She picked me up when I arrive in Charleston in June and took me for a shrimp and grits breakfast!)  Hurray!

Furthermore, Kerry is the kind of friend you can count on.  No matter where we are, Aunt Krazy sends birthday presents for the boys… and is there to cheer us on. 

And most importantly, she’s there to push me forward.  Closer to my dream.  I’ve always wanted to write a novel… it’s a personal goal of mine, whether I get published or not doesn’t really matter… I just want to finish a novel… and Kerry is there to push me along… keep me focused… to use this year away from my family productively… what better time to right then now, right?  When I’m cooped up in Pakistan with nothing to do?

Yep.

Kerry is the kind of friend that can share YOUR dream as if it is her own.  And that is special.

Okay, okay!  Alright Kerry!  I’ll stop blogging and start writing!  Cut me some slack!  I’ve only been here for a week and a half!

Day 755: The Chair, Part 14 – The Friendships, Part 5 = Chris

16 years ago I met Chris when I was accepted into a magnet theatre program; the one I mentioned in my earlier post about Dan.  However, I originally met Chris through Dan and then ended up forging our own bond through our experiences through the community theatre group.

Chris is extra special because he was co-founder of the ‘Pathetic Guys Club’… and for those of you who’ve known me for a long time… you have probably heard me speak of the ‘Pathetic Guy’ with great fondness.

The ‘Pathetic Guys’ are awesome.

It started out innocent enough… one night, Chris, myself and a couple other guys from the Theatre group went to Hollywood video to rent a movie… we ended up in the horror section… and we ended up renting a few movies based solely on how horrible the cover art was… our mission?  To find the worst horror movies ever made.  And folk… we succeeded.

I probably should have mentioned that we did this on a Friday night… and this is how the name ‘Pathetic Guys’ was born.  About halfway into our first horrible movie we all looked at each other and said, “It’s Friday night… we should be on dates… but instead… we’re together in… in the basement… pounding Mountain Dew’s… and watching the worst horror movies imaginable… we are SO pathetic… we are Pathetic Guys”.  BOOM!  We were born… and we had a name.

Eventually, the “Pathetic Guys” expended from simple movie watching to donut ‘theory’.

Donut?  Well, one night, we noticed a Dunkin’ Donuts commercial.  As I am probably sure you are aware of… Dunkin Donuts advertizes that they bake fresh every morning, “time to make the donuts.”  One faithful night, the Pathetic Guys saw this ad and thought… “Huh, what do you think they do with the donuts they don’t sell at the end of the night?”

There was only one way to find out.

We went on a stake-out.

When Dunkin Donuts closed, we watched as the employee’s started dumping bins of donuts into garbage bags.  WASTEFUL!

THEN!  They carried the bags to the back door and set them outside… and then retreated back inside.  We all froze… there… unattended… was a garbage bag FULL of donuts.  Operation Donut Snatcher was ON!

Without a word, Chris darted from the car.  He raced through the DD parking lot to bag of donuts… he scooped it up and slid behind the corner of the building just as an employee opened the rear access door again to deposit a second bag.  He turned back so quickly that he never noticed the missing first bag.  As soon as he was gone, Chris reappeared.  He looked back to the car… then his bag… then the second bag… then back to us… he was smiling ear to ear.  He picked up the second bag and raced back to the car.  By the time the employee had returned with the third bag, he noticed… he looked very confused… Looked around, shrugged his shoulders and went back into the store.  By the end of the night… we ended up with four bags of Donuts.

Now… don’t be horrified by our actions… at least at the time, Dunkin Donuts did not have the same policy as Panara Bread Company.  DD was not in the practice of giving their leftover to charitable non-profits.  They would simply throw them out.  So… we were not stealing them… we were liberating them… at least that’s what we told ourselves at the time.

As the years went on, our Donut ‘stealing’ ended up being more of a prank.  If Chris missed a Pathetic Guys Night because he was on a date… the odds were pretty good that he would wake up with donuts all over the hood of his car… any by the time I was in College… the Pathetic Guys Club has grown to close to 20 guys… so the level of Donut related pranks grew in complexity over the years.

The Pathetic Guys aside, my friendship with Chris is a bit more complicated than the friendships I maintain with the others.

With Chris it’s not just about him… it’s about his whole family.  A family I have become emotionally attached to over the years.

Chris’s parents had an open door policy and I spent years hanging out in their house… whether Chris was there or not.  Sometimes I hung out with his two little brothers (I’m the baby of my family, so Michael and Jeff are the closest I have to little brothers of my own), sometimes I just hung out with Ann and Dave (Chris’s parents), and sometimes I just walked into their house and watched TV or read comic books until some member of the family came home.

Most of the time it would be Ann, “Hi John, want to help me bring in the groceries?”   The Patterson’s are my second family.  The bond I have with they grew even stronger when Jeff, their middle child was murdered about ten years ago.  As soon I got the news I just got in my car and went to their house… and I just sat outside until morning… and then went to the hospital where I held Ann’s hand for hours.

Today, Chris lives in Chicago with his family and I don’t get a chance to see him as much as I would like, but I always make sure I stop by to see Ann and Dave to give them some love whenever I’m in town.

Day 754: The Chair, Part 13 – The Friendships, Part 4 = Justin

I met Justin 17 years ago.
Justin and I were in High School Marching Band together, but we met about a year prior to that when a mutual friend introduced us.
The first time I saw him he had hair down to his butt and was wearing a Harley Davidson t-shirt… and I was like, “Oh great… who is this joker”.  

That’s right folks, I totally judged his book by the cover… and I was totally wrong.  By the end of our first night hanging out Justin and I were friends for life and we often joke about how wrong my first impression of him was.

Like Tennessee, Justin also fell off my radar for a while… during my senior year of high school, Justin moved to Virginia.  During those early years he visited once and then talked periodically.

Ultimately, Justin was a much better friend than I was… like clockwork, about every year and a half I would get a call from him and we would pick up that short hand… at least until the time the calls stopped coming.

I have to admit… when the calls stopped, I noticed.

So, I started looking for him.  And as I internet stalked him, I started learning more and more about what Justin had been up too.

He had joined the National Guard as a photo journalist (I found pictures credited to him on official NG websites).

I even found a picture of him in a renaissance reenacting troupe based out of Virginia.  I actually exchanged a few emails with the group’s organizer, who said Justin had disappeared about a year prior to my inquiry and if I find him, “say hi for me.”

At one point, I thought I had tracked down his brother in Utah… but the number was connected to a fax machine and no one responded to my voice when I tried to talk over the beeping.

Finally… about eight years after I had last seen him… and about five years after I had last spoken to him… I found his parents living in Texas… and called them.  His mother, Nancy remembered me instantly and promised to pass my message on to Justin.

An hour later my phone rang.  It was him… and we talked for about two hours.

He had been living in Utah with his brother the whole time.  They both exclusively used cell phones and used their land line for their fax machine.

“Why didn’t you just send a fax?”

It never occurred to me.

Anyway, about a year after tracking him down, Serena and I flew out to Denver to visit her brother… and well, Justin drove down to see us for the weekend.  We had a blast… it was like no time had passed at all.  He was the same old Justin.

By the time I entered the Foreign Service, Justin has moved to Pennsylvania… and of course, being the amazing friend that he is, he drove down to see us at the Oakwood before shipping out to Serbia.

Justin!  I owe you a road trip.

Day 753: The Chair, Part 12 – The Friendships, Part 3 = Tennessee

Then there is Tennessee, who I’ve known for 21 years.

I met Tennessee is a Special Ed class in the sixth grade.  Oh, have I forgotten to tell you that I’m diagnosed ADD with a Learning Disability in English Comprehension and Grammar?

Seriously.

Well… I guess that probably doesn’t come as complete surprise…

Anyway, Tennessee and I were mainly friends in Middle School and in High School we kind of went our separate ways.  Nothing ever really happened to our friendship… we were just into different things.  I was in the Marching Band and Tennessee was kind of doing his own thing.

Later on we ended up in some Theatre classes together and then were paired up with some of the other “freaks and misfits” in our school for a History project on the 1920s.

Now, the thing about “freaks and misfits” is that most are extroverts… however, while in the high school setting… we are forced to be introverts.  Well, for this project we tore the can off… we put insecurities aside and busted out, from what I was told… one of the best decade’s projects ever seen by my high school’s history department.  Our teacher actually videotaped it and I’ve heard that over the years she’s shown to students as an example of “what to do.”  Being that we were the 1920s… our group went first… three groups were supposed to go that day… but after we set the bar… the other groups (made up of mainly the ‘popular’ kids) asked to have another day to ‘rethink’ their presentation.

So, what did we do?  Well, at the time, Tennessee was short with short blondish hair… and I was tall with long black hair… our project idea was so simple it was stupid… but ultimately successful: Bill and Ted’s Excellent 1920’s Adventure.  Complete with time traveling phone booth.  The special effect for awesome!  Kind of like “Under the Gaslight” (obscure reference… if you know what I am referring to… let me know ).  That project is one of my fondest High School memories.

Anyway, later that year Tennessee couldn’t take being forced to be an introvert anymore.  He came out of the closet, which wasn’t too much of a surprise to me, transferred to an alternative school, and then ran away from home.

He fell complete off the radar for years.

Then about 3 years ago Tennessee found me on facebook and we picked up that short hand like no time had passed.  It was really pretty amazing.  Tennessee told me that he’d pretty much left everything from his old life behind… but over the years had thought fondly of our friendship, and set-out to find me.  I was deeply moved.

BTW: Tennessee is his stage name… he’s a drag performer in San Francisco now.  I’m dying to take Serena to catch his act.