Day 935: The ‘Goodbye’ of 2010

Five years.  It’s hard to believe it’s been five years, today, since I first became a father.  Wow… Grayson is five.  Simply marvelous.

Being so far away has inspired a strange sense of reflection and during this ten day period between Gilliam and Grayson’s birthdays I’ve been torturing myself by watching our SchutzHappens family videos incessantly.  (Serena got me an AppleTV for Christmas, so I converted all of our videos to m4v format and I’ve been watching them in HiDef).

It’s really not as tortuous as it might seem, though… I don’t get sad while watching the videos… sure, I would much rather be with my boys on their birthdays than sitting here… but this is life and we roll with it.  So, instead of sadness, the emotion I feel while watching… that continuously makes me well up… is an overwhelming sense of pride.  And there is one video in particular that gets me every time: ‘June/July 2010’ (http://schutzhappens.blogspot.com/2010/08/day-763-schutzhappens-movie-junejuly.html).  This is the video that chronicles our last two months together before I leave for Pakistan.

Near the end of the video there is a picture of me and Grayson standing under the Pakistani flag in the Dulles Airport.  I think I told you guys a while back that Grayson picked it out having never seen it before.  About a week prior, in the car, he asked me what the Pakistan flag looked like… “Green and White with a Moon on it” is all I gave him, yet, while we walked through the airport and shouted for us to stop and pointed, “Dad, is that the Pakistan flag?”  He’s my super smart kid.

Anyway… the video comes to a close with a picture of us with the flag while the sound of an airplane taking off is heard… but that’s not really the end of the story.

Serena and the boys were on a flight to Belgrade leaving thirty minutes before my flight to Islamabad… and as luck would have it; our flights were only four gates away from each other.  So I was able to stay with them up until their boarding.

When it was time for them to go we got Grayson situated in his stroller, Gilliam strapped onto Serena, and we got in line… and that’s around the time Serena lost it.  I’m sure we were quite the ‘WTF’ sight to behold.  She was crying so hard at one point that I had to tell the United official trying to coordinate those eligible for early boarding to give us a few minutes and when she regained her composure I turned my attention to Grayson.

Gray was sunk down in his stroller looking like a very sad little boy.  I got down on his level and talked to him a little bit… he wouldn’t really look at me. Even when I would say something like, “I’m going to miss you buddy.” All I got in return were words, “I’ll miss you too.”

“You know I love you, right?”

“I know.”

If you are a long time reader it will come as no surprise that I’m a doting father and make a habit of telling my boys that I love them and showing them affection openly.  So… yes, Grayson does know that I love him.  But he still wouldn’t look at me.

“I have a secret.”

No response.

“Do you want to hear my secret?”

He shook his head ‘no’… still not looking at me.

“I’m going to tell you anyway if you don’t mind.”

Very quietly he said, “okay”.

So I leaned in very close and I whispered in his ear.  “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

Grayson’s head quickly turned and our eyes met for an instant… and the only emotion that I can describe hiding behind his eyes was that of great determination… and then he flung himself on me.

That hug is probably the single greatest hug I have ever received.  Grayson was compelled… and everything that little boys was feeling came out in that hug… and for all the Grayson/Daddy moments of 2010, this goodbye will be the memory that I will hold the closest. 

Grayson, happy birthday buddy!  I love you deeply and yes, becoming a father is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I have you to thank for that… and your birthday holds a very special place in my heart.